Jordan fights every day. Her body doesn’t do what she tells it to; yet she keeps talking to it. Her speech is slow and labored, but she speaks. We lean in to listen. To understand her words and to hear her heart in the spoken expression. She wakes up telling me what’s on the agenda for the day, making sure her phone is close by. Today is bath day and the bath aide will be calling to make sure it’s ok to come over this morning. She starts another round of chemo tonight. 5 days of pills before bedtime.
Platelet counts have come up to normal so she can begin the monthly chemo regimen. Again.
And all this she does with much grace. I see it every day. Strength and dignity are her clothing in this suffering.
What would be mundane to you and I is holy here. Numbering-our-days living. Teach me O Lord. Kids, grand for sure, get up for school, have morning snuggles with their mama and walk around the corner to their daytime adventure. Our dear son in law, (who came up with that term?) wakes early for a morning run or workout before sweetly kissing his wife goodbye for the day. He actually lingers there a good while. I take notice.
During the day, when it’s just Jordan and I at home, we keep the atmosphere fueled with worship. We enjoy being together; even when I may be annoying her with too many mama questions. I’m learning; learning to be ok in the quiet with her. I lie awake at night sometimes wondering if I’ve done enough for her that day. Not just tasks, but being there for her emotionally. Gut wrenching thoughts. But I’m reminded in the silence that God alone has already done and is enough for her. And for me. He has put His love in my heart so that I can serve her. He is good to give me what I need in the moment as I trust and abide.
Yesterday we made the hour-plus drive to the closest Target, after getting Parker out of school early, to spend a girls’ afternoon together. I had déjà vu to when Jordan and her siblings were mere littles and I had limited patience when shopping with them. It seemed like a big deal to me this day that I couldn’t figure out how to push Jordan in the wheelchair, hold a shopping basket, watch a five-year-old, and carry our popcorn and drinks. Some things are a priority – and popcorn and drinks while shopping at Target are 2 of them. Did you know they have caramel popcorn at this Portland Target? It’s the little things. But seriously, I had to ask for forgiveness for Mommie Dearest making an appearance. And during the drive home it was grace again to the rescue.
That’s what I see so much of around here. Grace for this journey of one thing: To see God big in our moments. To believe He is here. Like that mountain I can’t and never want to get over. There have been many days when it so clear you can see its jagged shape breathtakingly well. And on the days when smoky clouds envelop it, keeping it hidden, it’s as if it was never there. But prior knowledge and experience of its majesty have established it as sure and true. I read this morning in “The Gospel According to Job” devotional, by Mike Mason, “Real faith is not so much seeing God, as knowing that one is seen. Only this kind of faith is resilient enough to embrace ‘trouble from God.’ So the grace is really in knowing we are seen by God. Jordan and Brack and their children, you and your family, Joe and I and ours, we’re all seen by God. And it’s not just a flippant nod of recognition, but it’s in the infinitude of God’s all encompassing knowing; personal and intimate.
To those who are following along and praying for Jordan and her family, Joe and I are forever grateful for you. Her next MRI is on February 22, where they will tell her if the tumor is responding to treatment. You’re welcome to put that date on your calendar to pray if so led. We are praying and expecting God to move, Thank you for praying for our entire family too. So much going on. Like you.
I’m grateful to be here. I get to have lunch with my daughter;
my sweet Jordan who fights like a girl – a girl full of grace and strength and beauty.