I attended a funeral yesterday. A dear, dear friend lost her husband to ALS, in a relatively short time. His funeral was a celebration; much like we experienced at our daughter’s service, the presence of the Lord was tangible, thick.
Their son led us in powerful worship, but really the Spirit led us, and everyone standing beside me led us.
It was a war cry for me, singing the songs, the lyrics I know in my spirit to be true, but sometimes wrestle getting out of my mouth. And when they come out, it’s like a no holds barred, ‘let’s do this’ kind of thing. Like an inner dialogue between God and myself; “I know this is true, that You are real and good, but my heart hurts so badly now in this loss.” And though I’m not flippantly singing, I just wrestle with each word.
Each word sung becomes a stand alone anthem.
Almost like it’s creating something as it comes out.
This struggle of faith is real.
I don’t think I believe anyone who’s said they’ve never doubted.
My wiser than his years son in love shared with me about questioning someone who thinks they have God all figured out, who stops considering the mystery of God.
I’ve doubted more in this past year than I ever have.
And I’ve also gained some new perspective.
Faith is believing in the unseen.
Faith is realizing we don’t have the answers, the explanations, the step by step formula to get out of this place.
I’ve come face to face with the end of life here.
As a mama, anyway, watching my daughter breathe her last.
I’ve come face to face with my disappointment. In God mostly.
Because my expectations were for Him to act a certain way.
To fulfill my agenda. To heal my daughter – here.
And yes, I have known Him through His Word.
It’s not from lack of knowledge or time spent or disinterest that I’ve taken up this expectation.
In fact, I think I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
This journey, my journey and yours, starts in faith and continues by faith.
We are rescued by grace.
And kept by grace.
No “I should’ve,” or “wish I would’ve” or “how could I be so ….?”
“He is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me.” 2 Tim. 1:12
We walk in the truth as He reveals it to us.
So in my struggle to relinquish my expectation of God, I find much comfort, power, peace, truth, in corporate worship.
I’m all for private worship. His Presence revealed to me in those private devotions have changed and continue to change my life. I’ve designed an entire retreat experience around being still before the Lord and sitting at His feet.
But He has also called us to be part of the Body.
His love for us makes a way for us to live this life here – fully, overcoming,
And worshiping with other believers is a way to that Life.
Yes, even if you struggle to sing the words because you’re hurting or wondering if they’re true because you feel so awful right now,
Sing because of that very thing.
Sing as if your life depends upon it. Because it does.
Let your mind hear the words deliberate come from your mouth.
The Spirit sings truth, the mind hears it and is renewed.
And sense the great cloud of witnesses around you, beside you. Take in the glory of His presence.
Every word is an anthem, a prayer, a declaration of His goodness, His power, His sovereignty. His love.
I’m singing with you,